(2009)

Tagline: He lives by the sword, they will die by it

Steven Seagal Roles: Actor

1st of all, let me start out by saying that the name Steven Seagal is synonymous for a hilariously crap movie.

Key word there is hilariously…  NOT crap.

Against the Dark was not your typical Seagal movie because it was simply just crap.

The premise of the movie was there’s an undefined city that’s been overtaken by zombies and apparently vampires.

There’s a bunch of people trying to survive, and Seagal is not one of these people, but the leader of a group that is going about just killing as many of them as they can… occasionally rescuing people… but that comes 2nd to killing zombies.

And of course Seagal has a sword.

He is also in his signature black leather trench-coat his dyed black ponytail hair but this time he’s left his classic orange glasses behind.

Don’t know the glasses or the look I’m talking about?

 

[Absolution] 

[Just Seagal playing the guitar]

[Seagal looking confused at the Astana International Action Film Festival] 

Guess who this bad boy is.

This movie is just 100% shit. 

They do the classic Seagal trick of reusing footage which in this case is the outside of the hospital building, just over and over…for zero reason because basically the entire movie is shot inside the hospital.

The characters are completely uninteresting… not even any of Seagal’s weirdo quirks, like stealing stuff for no reason [Driven to Kill], or completely nonsense lines. [Most Seagal movies]

Oh and then it turns out the army is still functioning.. but for whatever reason they didn’t take care of the problem beforehand, but now they decide they’re going to blow up the hospital… to ‘cleanse’ the area… and so they send fighter jet, for which inside and outside of the hospital is nighttime… and then suddenly the fighter jet is in the day time…when it fires the missiles, and then it goes back to night time again.

Just before you start thinking… ‘oh yeah, but the jets probably took off at dawn…so by the time they got to the target …it was light’

Well, nope still dark outside for the explosion. .

Like serious zero shits are given by the director there.

I honestly think they shot some footage, got it close to 1.5 hours… and just gave up half way through the movie.   Because the whole thing is just terrible.

And by the way, its full of gore.  Like someone filing their teeth in the mirror.. for who the fuck knows what reason.

I actually had to watch this movie in 1.5 x fast forward.  (that way the audio still plays)  and sometimes I just skipped full chunks…because it was too shit to persevere through.

I think one possible reason for this, is that according to Wikipedia, Seagal only acted in this movie.  Acting of course, with Seagal is a loose term but anyway.
In some of the better Seagal movies, he also plays director, producer, and writer… which is think gives that non-sensical, absolute weirdo kind of vibe that Seagal fans have become accustomed with and which also makes the movies hilariously crap, rather than just crap.

It’s a shame because they could have done so much more with that plot, but instead we get this steaming pile.  They could have put in some non-sensical lines, some weirdo shit, some amazing kills… but nothing.  Very disappointing.

My recommendation is: Do not watch this movie, unless you need the sense of completion that can only be achieved by watching all Seagal movies.