Another *ahem great movie by Seagal.  Sorry I should say classic movie by Seagal.
Classic in the way that it lives up to expectations.

Got to say that even though his mumbling is classic Seagal trademark production quality… the really, and I mean REALLY shit sound production on this movie made it almost unbearable.

It got to the point where about a quarter of the way through watching we had to stop and check… and yep, sure enough –produced by Seagal.  It’s as if he directed the sound editor to raise the music volume and action sounds volume way too high…because then it would make it more action-y….or something.  The result is that you end up having to constantly turn the volume up and down depending on whether Seagal is mumbling some dialogue, or he finds himself in another battle where he doesn’t feel he has to look at his target whilst shooting a gun.   And to be honest, this gets annoying.

Story?

Well I can’t be sure, but I think Seagal’s character, which isn’t an iteration of John or Rouslan or Sacha or something (actually called Matt, but hereafter just referred to as Seagal….because I think we all like to believe its actually just Seagal running around)  was a dirty cop, whose former partner lied for him so he wouldn’t be accused of a crime, or something… Then he’s recruited by some people…. Which I you never really learn this in the movie because there’s too much mumbling, but if you read the Wikipedia article…which is exactly what we had to do…because we didn’t understand shit even halfway through the movie… then the recruiting party is CIA or some crap, that is hiring people like Seagal to take down ‘bad people’, other dirty cops etc.

Again, you would only get that maybe ¾’s of the way through the movie because of all Seagal’s classic mumbling and really, really shit sound production that means you never really hear what’s going on.

Now don’t get me wrong, this isn’t so much of a problem in his other movies… because you can often hear other people explaining things… but not this one.

ALL relationships in this movie are strained, his ‘love interest’ (read person he convinced they needed to sleep with to get a role in the movie) 1st seems like she is a hooker, then appears to be a real thing, then appears to be a colleague… then… who the fuck knows what.

The dialogue here is god-awful terrible, I wouldn’t be surprised if its all ad-libbed and that’s really how Seagal talks, and the lady was just given the instructions “just go with it”.

Weird Seagal fetishes

It’s becoming more and more apparent that Seagal loves carparks and garages.  He always seems to stake someone out, in a parking garage…whenever he leaves the police station, after an apparent obligatory lock-up period, he does so from the garage.  Honestly, I think its just something that he loves.

Anything else?  Is he wearing his classic orange mercenary glasses, or whatever the hell they are?  No, he’s not.  But he is wearing his big leather jacket.

And there’s a scene where you get to see why.

A side shot in fact.  And you realise…wow, he’s really become a fat piece of shit.  I mean he’s still got all his fighting moves, which is awesome, but he’s also got a really huge beer belly.

I think he wears the big black jacket and dresses all in black because from a frontal view it all kind of blends in, and you can’t see just how fat he really is.  But the side shot [picture] whoa ho.

Oh and of course died black hair, little goatee…and smooth talking mumbling with terrible dialogue that of course Seagal himself must have written it…. is all still there, you won’t be disappointed with that shit.

Production?

Well, sound quality, we covered.  It’s terrible.  Almost to the point where its un watchable.

Video quality?   Not quite as bad, but almost.  There are weird 360 rotating shots…for no fucking reason.  Like at the end, all he does is just walk into his house…and the camera does a full 360 degrees around the house.  Why?   No why..   just fucking stupid.

It honestly looks like he’s really wants to practice different kind of shots, even when there is no need for it.  Like he wants to add it to his resume or something.  I have no doubt that the camera people didn’t want to do these shots, but that Seagal ordered them.

There’s also weird hand-held work, and weird snakey zoom up work when there’s a shoot-out in the street… again for pretty much no reason.

Seagal does remember to reload in this one, unlike Kill Switch, but I almost wish he didn’t.

There is of course, once again, his estranged wife… with a weird relationship; his estranged daughter, with non-character-fitting dialogue, and of course…it wouldn’t be a Seagal movie without his relationship with a bottle of alcohol.. guessing whiskey.   Which he takes pains to sniff whenever he can.

Recommendation?

If the sound quality wasn’t so shit, it might be worth watching.  But this is what truly lets it down.

Dialogue, characters, video production quality… well its all classic Seagal, and by that …I mean terrible, but that’s why you tune in anyway right…to laugh at how funny Seagal is… and really turn your brain to mush.

However, the sound quality really lets this movie down.

3 snarkles out of 10.

By the way, the title.  Pistol Whipped?   Once again, it doesn’t have anything to do with the actual movie.

If you really want… Click here to watch it online for free.  Pistol Whipped feat. Steven Seagal on Fmovies.

Or just watch a non-sensical trailer here.